Sunday, May 25, 2008

Disappointment

I can't take this anymore. He just sent my family into chaos and misery once again, during dinner this time. I'm so disappointed in my dad. This is not an one-off feeling or resentment. It's been like that for quite some time already..

He's so irresponsible. By this I don't mean those guys who run out on their families. He has never sincerely accepted any mistakes he made. The only time he has said "It was my fault" or any equivalent, was when he's boot-licking his superior at work, even then, he'll come home and complain that it wasn't his fault (proving that he's not even responsible at work). He always pushes the fault to other people even when it is so obvious that it was his. And he blames everyone but himself for everything that happens to him. He scolded my mother for crying because he said her crying made him feel angry, when my mother cried because of him. What the hell is with that? I wonder how I even managed to grow up under such kind of parental influence... Maybe I have his irresponsible genes.. Can someone verify with me on this?

Another thing, he's a "devoted" buddhist. By "devoted" I meant he wears it by his mouth. He always "listens" to buddhist talks and scriptures and "recites" them.. but he seriously doesn't learn anything. Instead of listening and learning, what he does is that he listens, and then uses what he has "learnt" to scold people or dictate people around or curse people into his bidding. This is like a total violation of what he has been preaching.. Wow.. I'm amazed at how he actually manages to do it all the time. He calls himself a "devoted buddhist who wants to go to Pure Land" and yet he resorts to violence and often threatens to kill us all then kill himself. I think he can enter the Guinness Book of World Records for being the most "unbuddhist-like buddhist".

Oh and another thing, which is somehow linked to the first 2 points. He hardly does what he expects or demands others to do. Okay, this may be trivial, but to me, its going against my principles. I mean, look at it this way, if I don't eat shit, yet I force you to eat shit, will you? No. Obviously. But if I eat shit, and ask you to do the same, you might do so right? Because after all, I have eaten it, it can't be that bad. You get the drift... He often shouts and ask us not to shout. He demands my sister to enter EM1 in P4 when he himself was never a good student (I'll touch on this on the next paragraph). He shouts to ask people not to shout, etc etc..

About my sis, he totally screwed her life over. Firstly, he expects way too much from us. He's been comparing my sis (who is quite lazy in my opinion) with me since she started schooling in P1. My dad expects my sis to produce comparable results since the first year of schooling when I got 292/300 and First in Standard in P1. Since then, hell started for her. In P4, when she entered EM3 (when I entered GEP in P4), my dad scolded her all the words you wouldn't expect from a dad. In Chinese: "Why you so stupid? You're so stupid you might as well go kill yourself. EM3? Why can't you be like your brother? You disgrace to the family. Your ancestors will never forgive you.. etc etc", well not really word for word (my memory ain't that great) but the tone and idea is there. Can you imagine? A 10-year-old kid whose greatest source of support scolded her these kind of words? The kind of emotional trauma and pain she suffered? Recently we brought this up to my dad during an argument and he expected my sis to give him a 180degree change in attitude after he said "sorry". Wow. He thinks his "Sorry" can cure the hurt he has done all these years? He's so naive..

Then when she had a boyfriend, my dad started to scold her "You slut. You cheap. Why you so cheap? Why you like guys so much? etc".. well duh? If not you want her to be lesbian (no offence to homosexuals) ar? You condemned our uncle for being gay (I don't see why. If he's happy, let him be la, break them up for what.. See la, now my uncle no motivation to recover from his stroke, whole day laze on the bed.. And guess what? He blames my aunt (elder sis) who is taking care of my uncle for my uncle's laziness. No surprise here). Yet you not happy that your daughter is straight... Then he goes ahead to break them up. When my sis got another boyfriend, the same thing happens. And for every boyfriend she has, my father condemns my sister and calls her a "prostitute".. What the heck la. Now my sister hates studying since my dad kept telling her she's stupid etc.. And he blames my mum for not quitting her job 4 years ago and stay at home to take care of my sis.

The family doesn't provide love. So my sister went out to find. How is that wrong? And all thanks to my dad, my sister hates me since young.. Well at least now we patched up. But still, the crack is there.

I'm not saying that I have the worst dad on earth, that's too absolute. There's definitely some other worse one out there. But why do I have a dad like that? A dad who is not responsible, uses religion to pressure people (Maybe thats why I became an atheist eh?), emotionally hurts everyone in our family (he purposely choose words to agitate and hurt both my sister and mother emotionally and mentally. I'm not affected because I treat it calmly and analyse what he says, which doesn't make sense most of the time anyway..) and sometimes even resort to violence (Yea, you heard me right. He tried to attack me and me sister with a hammer, knife, bamboo pole, threw chairs at us, etc before.. I'm serious). I've tried talking to him several times but he never listens or heeds advice.. Even when my mother tried approaching my grand-dad (my dad's mum passed away when he was in P6), he just brushed it away as a simple couple quarrel, and refuses to listen (my dad also doesn't listen whenever he's in the wrong). Maybe it does pass down in the genes, generation by generation.. Can someone verify if I'm like that as well? If so, I wish to rectify this ASAP. I don't want to let the next generation suffer. If I can't do that, I'll remain a bachelor my whole life.
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1 comment:

skillless said...

Hahahahaha... relax bro. Allow me to say something as a passerby? Well I don't know if I have mentioned things about my family to you, but just incase I haven't, I'll briefly elaborate it here. Well, long story cut short, my mother went berserk after some ridiculous incidents happened during sec3/4 winter break. Ever since then, she has been cursing my father, and literally requires me to do so. Well, knowing me (the ultra rebellious type), I won't obey my mother's order of cursing my dad (who would curse the dude who feeds you?). Anyway, well, yea, the story goes on and things happened, in a violent way. Frankly speaking, my mother has used all sorts of household weapons against me, which includes clothe hangers (some sicko parent taught her to use it as a handy whip when I was in kindergarten, and I have been under the frequent bombardment of those till I am old enough to snatch it away and bend it into a coil), forks for laundary purposes (there was once where she whacked my leg with one of those, the pole concaved slightly, so did my bone), fruit knives and choppers (those that you see in a meat stall) and particularly anything capable of dealing dammage. Of course, under the frequent threat of violence since kindergarten, retaliation became one of my natural talent, so I guess I am equal with my mother in terms of physical violence, just that I don't miss her a single bit is partially because of that.

Anyway, I've learnt to immerse in all sorts of artifical world because of that. That may be one of the reason why I am super obsessed with computer games in sec 3 and 4, which sort of pulled down my O level grads (can't fully blame it though, I have a part to pay in). Of course, there were loads restrictions too. Did I ever mentioned that Television and comics is not allowed in my home until I reached sec 1? My dad gave me a comp in mid pri 5, but think about my childhood before that. Don't ask me, I have none. There were also rules such as no pencil cases with cute prints (I am naturally attracted to most cute stuffs) because they might cause me to lose my concentration while studying... well, that's her theory. The good things is that my dad adores me quite a lot, and I've learnt to befriend toys. I could still remember how my first gameboy (those big big, black and white ones) got thrown away by my mother, where my dad went for all the trouble to dig the trash for it, but eventually the screen got smashed... There's also these small little rubber tamiya cars the size of a eraser which my mother must have slaughtered at least a dozen. Oh well, that's my childhood.

Anyway, I think your case is quite similar to mine. But hey, at least you have a sister and a mother to cry with, right? I was alone with my mother for 6 whole years in Singapore, and before that (which is primary school), my mother and I did not live with my dad for some screwed reson my mother gave. Who can I confront to? I was still a kid, and my words were powerless compared to my mother's. One of my friend has actually commented that my life is as dramatic as a drama series. Still, how do I react? I laugh with them, telling them what has happened like delivering anime spoilers. But then and again, I was more than disappointed at the very first (when my mother went berserk... not insane k). But soon I learnt to accept the fact that it is pointless feeling screwed. I'll just give sarcastic or hypocritic remarks whenever my mother asked me to agree with her when she curses my dad. Of course, the former one earned myself some curses and perhaps a few slap on the face but I learnt to find it funny in my own ways =D. Still, if you asked me, I would choose to go through all these if I have the choice. Most of the times these kind of negative impacts will make you stronger, right? After all, who wouldn't want to watch a good set of drama? =D

Seriously speaking, I think you aren't the worst off in this sticky situation. Your mother is. Whatever happens, you still take the same exam, attends the same school, and talk rot with the same group of friends (me! me!). But for your mother's case, your dad is more or less her life (I am not saying you aren't, but ... oh well, you get my drift) though from the sound of it, your mother knows what to do, so I won't elaborate it anymore.

Still, I feel that it's pointless to look for help (not advice though) in these kind of situation as seen from my own experience. I don't see any good in bathing yourself in artifical comfort or something like that (ok, its not that serious and you dont really need that but ... oh well, just a remark). Although the word "ignorant" is still ringing in my head, I think I can give a piece of advice or two, though whether you find it useful or not is another question (I always see that you are equally clever or cleverer than me). There are quite a few things which you can do. The most obvious is to speak the truth, for which I think you've already done so and the effect isn't as good as expected, I believe. Another is that you can speak hypocritically whenever you speak to your dad. It will definitly keep you out of trouble for the time being, but the damages might be directed to your family, and you will be tired of it in a long run, and might even feel hollow (I've tried that), even though there might be short term sastifaction. You can also try to speak sarcastically with your dad. That requires your brain to run faster than your dads (I strongly believe that its true), and your dad will most probably give up on the subject (everything has it's uncertainty though). You can even try to change the topic using hardcore methods such as asking questions of concern when you don't have a single intention of giving a damn about that person. Works wonder in chemistry classes when the teacher wants to send us out (we always ask stupid questions such as why is blah blah blah the way it is. Super hilarious~). Anyway, all these can only avoid the problem, but not solve it. There's only one sure fire solution which I can come up with now, and that is divorce. But of course, that is a NO in any cases, so I guess I won't make any comments on that for now. Maybe you can try confronting your grandpa yourself and making the situation sound more serious? Might work you know, cause a grandson's word usually weights a lot. Oh and maybe you can try to understand your dad a bit more. Working aren't easy, especially when you are not the boss. So perhaps you can give in a bit when it comes to his nonsensical talk?

Whatever it is, there are no "happily ever after" in real life, and isn't this something like the "survival of the very fittest" the Singaporean government wants?

(did i talk to much?)

May 26, 2008 at 4:17 AM

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